EgypToz: Be Ready.

Sunday, February 18, 2007

Be Ready.

I don’t know why I am acting like that now…looking to life from my brightest point of view…being more optimistic than I ever thought I could be…I realized that I am kind of weird…in miserable circumstances I become more and more happy…or better to say more willing to be happy…instead of crying I smile…instead of facing the reality I try to find a far place to hide…instead of living isolated I try to be more sociable…cool…nah…this is not the way it is supposed to be…psycho!

What should you do if you know you will die in the coming days…is it “should” or “will”?
mmm…imagine all your family members around you…supporting you in the hardest time of your entire life…
Are you going to live it normally as you did before…watching TV…drinking coffee…going out with friends…buying clothes…

…or you will sit all day and night praying and preparing yourself to meet your death

I don’t like to be at the funeral…receiving condolence from people I do not want them to see me in a situation like that…people should know that their sympathy and telling me “be strong” or “god be with you” does not have a positive effect on me at all…on the contrary…it makes me feel sick…more and more sad…I do not need their support…it is not a perfect play here where they try to show their humane side of their souls…not now please…I do not need it…I had enough of it…it is so pathetic…for me it is better to be alone and handle this new atmosphere…this grief inside me…on my own

Is there a difference between dying as a young person and dying as an old man?
No…because when you get older…you become more and more connected with life so that you do not want to let it go…I do not know what happens in the brain of a 60 or 70 years old person…maybe a chemical change or something more complicated…I do not know…they start to think differently…they look at life from a totally different perspective…for instance when this old person was 35…he told himself that if he could live till he is 60…he is going to change his life style and prepare himself for the known truth…well…he is 70 now…and he did not do what he thought he should do…he is living as if he still have 20 years to live…why?

What is better? To know that you will die soon or to die suddenly without knowing that it will happen to you?
At first I thought that knowing that I will die is better for me…because then I will prepare myself to be a good person…and I will try to enjoy every minute left in my life…and I will never hurt anyone I know…and I will never let a single day pass by without doing something useful for me or for the other people…in pursuit of heaven…

But then I realized…that this will never happen…because then I will not live a normal life…I will take life too seriously…making my last days tough for me…making living too artificial…simply it will not work

A young man in his early twenties (Chrigu) shot a documentary film in a style of a memoir…recording every day in his life after knowing that he had cancer and had no chance to live…watching him sitting in the bed of the hospital…speaking with the camera about his past…about the happy moments in his life…about his dreams…intermingled with footage and photos of his early days…when he had many plans to achieve…then he continued shooting the part of his life after knowing that he was cured…and may live a normal life…in this part I could feel his optimism and enthusiasm in every word he said…he became a “different” person…although he was young(!)…but unfortunately he became sick again and started to talk like an old person…and he died…all that being shown in a simple film edited by his fellow best friend who witnessed this journey…a good bye film

All these thoughts have become part of me…and it has been intensified in the last week…

...because my lovely grandmother was diagnosed with the final stage of the deadliest disease, breast cancer.

2 comments:

~W~ said...

I'd rather die suddenly after I celebrate my 80th birthday in full health. My family would then say , ya "3eny itkhatafet, di kanet bese7etha".

walladshab said...

I remember when my grandfather was celebrating his birthday and I told him : " be ready ",I don't know why it came out of my mouth...so he told all members of my family that I told him that... he did not know that it was his last birthday.
My grandma knows that this is her last days.
I don't know how she feels right now!